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July 25, 2005
In the Twilight Zone
Because I believed so strongly in the failure of this cycle, the rising beta numbers are making me feel like I've been sucked into the Twilight zone, leaving only my glasses and a slightly bemused dog behind. Unable to admit that I've had a positive beta, I've accepted my clinic's pronouncements without question. I haven't asked for the progestrone levels that my clinic hasn't offered. If they want to do an U/S at seven weeks, that will be fine. After all, none of this is really happening.
Honestly, I like being stuck in the Twilight zone because it keeps me from walking around in my customary state of low level anxiety. In the Twilight zone, I wonder casually if I have any symptoms and poke at my breasts to see if they're still tender. This has become such a habit, however, that George reminded me yesterday during our evening walk not to do it in public. Apparently, we do not live in an area where you can feel yourself up when strolling down the street and not attract the wrong sort of attention.
Besides the breast tenderness, there are no other symptoms unless you can count a truly startling case of stank butt. My family, consisting of two girls plus parents, was one where you "passed gas" and went out of the room to do so; if you could not make it out of the room, any odor was politely and pointedly ignored. Although I'm completely comfortable with a higher level of decorum, George, the last of four boys, is not. His reaction to this particular bodily function has always been exactly the same: loud vocal outpourings of displeasure followed by an attempted dutch oven.
I've not only gotten so good at avoiding dutch ovens, but at pulling them on George that he's all but given them up. Now, George just grabs for the nearest box of matches, lights two, blows them out, and makes the sign of the cross while chanting the Latin he learned from the Exorcist. Oddly enough, though, it seems to work. I'm happy to report that during this case of stank butt, nobody has had to sleep in the spare bedroom.
It's only when I stick my head outside my politely disbelieving land of sore boobs and stank butt that I get into trouble. Contacting the clinic this morning, I received an unexpected jolt of worry upon learning that they don't run progesterone levels. They don't run them? What the fuck is that about? I requested a progesterone level on my third beta and will get one when it's run on Tuesday, but I feel guilty because I didn't get on top of it earlier. I also moved my 08/22 ultrasound up to 08/15, the best they can do.
Unfortunately, it seems like only a matter of time before I must move out of the Twilight Zone entirely and start focusing on keeping this positive beta as much as I did as getting here. Until it happens, though, I'm enjoying looking for symptoms, the unbelieveable feeling of not being sad, and smiling.
July 25, 2005 | Permalink
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Comments
Keep on enjoying your pregnancy! One day at a time. But, I have to tell you... you will never stop worrying about your baby for the rest of yourl life. It will just become different worries!
Posted by: Kim | Jul 25, 2005 12:37:23 PM
Umm, stank butt is an unmistakable early pregnancy symptom for me too. I think it has something to do with the progesterone levels...nature's own P4 check! Glad to hear you got your sono moved up a week, and enjoy this time to the fullest. It can be hard to believe but it's oh so sweet.
Posted by: Lisa | Jul 25, 2005 12:59:59 PM
I didn't read any blogs at all this weekend, and here's what I get-- this serious good news. I am so thrilled!!
Now, please promise me you will start breathing soon. Exhale, girl!
Here's to positive betas!
Posted by: Katie/WannaBeMom | Jul 25, 2005 1:06:01 PM
Suz, I just read the news -- fantastic! Keeping my fingers crossed for you. :)
Posted by: Jenny | Jul 25, 2005 1:28:34 PM
Suz - you are too funny!
Posted by: Julie | Jul 25, 2005 1:31:30 PM
LOL stop feeling yourself up in public!!!
You're too funny. But I'll admit, WHEN I finally do get pregnant, I'm sure I'll be the same.
Enjoy a happy and healthy 9 months!!
Posted by: Sheryl | Jul 25, 2005 1:51:26 PM
You mean it's not professional behaviour to poke at my breasts in client meetings? Why has no one told me????
Congrats on the steady positive attitude. I'm v. proud of you. Nuff said about the stank butt (now I never heard that one before!!)
Posted by: Thalia | Jul 25, 2005 3:05:55 PM
My clinic doesn't check progesterone either, especially if you're taking PIO or progesterone suppositories. My RE told me if you're taking the progesterone, it's going to be high enough.
And I still feel my boobs all the time to see if they're sore. In private, in public, whatever. It's not hurting anyone.
Posted by: susie | Jul 25, 2005 3:20:33 PM
I didn't get any progesterone levels taken either. I looked at it as one less thing to worry about.
I had terrible gas early on as well. It was the most vile ever. They ranked quite high on the smell and frequency scale.
Good luck to you BW, everything is still crossed over here.
Posted by: PJ | Jul 25, 2005 3:28:21 PM
Hear that, everyone? Suz is smiling!
Posted by: Molly | Jul 25, 2005 3:30:28 PM
Recently smiling, Molly! I edited it to change from my first ending because I figured that I should enjoy this as much as possible.
Posted by: Suz | Jul 25, 2005 3:47:01 PM
If it makes you feel better, I have near zero symptoms as well. Just *slight* boob tenderness, and come and go constipation. That's it.
Good luck on beta #3. It looks like it's going to be a doozy!!!
-D.
Posted by: Donnie | Jul 25, 2005 3:54:01 PM
Just came over here--and i'm so glad I did! Congratulations--I am hoping everything continues to double, and that good things just happen like crazy in the Woods household.
Posted by: Karen | Jul 25, 2005 4:15:32 PM
If the twilight zone keeps you from stressing, then by all means, stay there. I'm happy to hear they moved up the u/s for you.
Posted by: Katie | Jul 25, 2005 4:41:56 PM
Smiling right back at you!
Posted by: OvaGirl | Jul 25, 2005 6:24:13 PM
Yay for doubling!
Um. What do you mean "Dutch oven?" I feel so very old and out of touch with you youngsters today.
Grinning like a fool at my computer, btw.
Posted by: millie | Jul 25, 2005 8:14:33 PM
Here's to smilin'!
Posted by: Jen/VintageUterus | Jul 25, 2005 9:22:55 PM
So happy for you, you stinker. (Said affectionately, tongue-in-cheek, etc.)
Posted by: Cathy | Jul 25, 2005 9:46:16 PM
When you're smilin... the whole internets smiles with you! Love the term stank butt, btw.
Posted by: MM | Jul 25, 2005 11:34:16 PM
Stank butt? You? I just don't picture that. Must revise mental image... Hey, though, if that's what nature is giving you as a pregnancy symptom then we'll take it!
Posted by: Amyesq | Jul 26, 2005 1:12:59 AM
Yep - twilight zone (or denial as I call it) is a really helpful place to be isn't it?
I'm not clear on the dutch oven either!?
Posted by: T | Jul 26, 2005 9:49:44 AM
I'm imagining the looks you get walking down the street with a goofy grin on your face, feeling yourself up, and being stinky on top of it!
Enjoy!
Posted by: Tania | Jul 26, 2005 3:31:57 PM
Suz, I just moved you from the IVF folder to pregnant folder on my Bloglines, so it's truly official!
I think George shouldn't be censoring your walks. You should be able to feel yourself up whenever and wherever you want, this is America, and it's your right.
Posted by: InSpring | Jul 26, 2005 5:42:53 PM
OH! About the dutch oven! It's when two people are in bed - when one releases gas, the other pulls the covers over their head so they can enjoy the lovely aroma.
Believe me. You only let your guard down once.
Posted by: Suz | Jul 27, 2005 8:49:54 AM
