The Other Gold

Like just about everyone else, I think about why I keep blogging.

It's partially about the writing.  I really enjoy writing and often fully don't know my own thoughts until I've written them down.  I'm so painfully aware of the passage of time, as well, that I can't help myself from trying to document it's passing.  What if I don't remember that Hen-bug asks for a kiss by pushing his lower lip out and Ty-baby says "ack" when he's stuck? 

When I really think about it, however, the desire to cement memory is a somewhat specious reason for continuing because I've kept diaries during my life but I've only very rarely gone back to read them.   Glancing at my 16-year-old diary, reveals a self-conscious girl clearly writing for the future reader.  It's horribly boring as a result.  I might revisit some of blog entries written during infertility and the first year of the boys' life, but these were pretty painful years and not one that I really want to remember ... at least not yet. 

It's not so much that I think that someone living in some vague future would like to read these thoughts as I just like the idea of leaving them behind.

When I think about it, carefully, it's more about the community.  As I work from home, I don't have a great many people to talk to throughout the day and very few to whom I'd be as honest as I am here.  I love being able to take a quick break to check bloglines and see where other people are in their days. Especially after leaving the ranks of infertility bloggers, however, I haven't been quite sure about where I fit.  It's been an odd little journey, but is one of the reasons why I felt almost absurdly happy when Angela saw fit to give me a Best Blogging Buddies award.

I love awards.  As G. frequently reminds me, I'm like Lisa Simpson in the teacher's strike episode of the Simpsons where she just bounces up and down looking for someone to grade her.  Getting something like this, well, it feels like an "A +" and a nice pat on the back across cyberspace.

In thinking about whom I'd like to pass it on to, I find myself reaching back to the past and those people who have been reading, laughing, and sympathizing for a very long time.  These are folks who saw me go through infertility and come out the other side, so I'd like to award the following. 

• Cat of Galloping Cats
• DD of TKO More or Less
• bittermama at Bittersweet
• Jenn at Jenn's Journal
• Jen at Fertility Now

I'm afraid that I might have left someone off, though, and I might have if I've lost track of you.  I also might have simply by virtue that it's after 9pm and the evening's glass of wine. If I have left you off, please consider yourself awarded or let me know at suz764@gmail.com. And thank you.

It's good to have friends.

Late To The Party

Too often, I find myself running late.  Forced to park a quarter mile away, I hurry past rows of parked cars lining the neighborhood street before turning into the driveway and proceeding up the front walkway.  I always hesitate a minute before knocking.  Does my hair look okay?  I weigh what I've brought the hostess in my hands.  Will it be enough?  Could it be too much?  I listen for a moment to the din inside the home and raise my clenched hand to the door.

I've been feeling this way whenever I consider the baby shower being through by Mad and Jen in honor of their child, volunteerism.  Here I am -- a little late, a little windblown, and, as usual, hesitant.

A few months ago, after reading Jen's blog and thinking a good bit, I decided to give money to anyone I met who needed it.  I don't mean hundreds of dollars.  I mean the dollar or two of spare change that most folks have in their wallets, myself included. 

This decision represents a change for me.  I usually either look away or mutter something that ends in "no" when asked for money.  I rationalized this behavior by figuring that the money would probably go to booze or that it was just a con. 

However, I've slowly been realizing that the use for the money didn't matter.  Anyone who's willing to brave cold stares or the feelings of invisibility that arise after being looked past for the hundredth time in a day must have a really valid reason for standing on that street corner.  Even if they don't, even if they have a roll of hundreds in their pocket, I consider that they've earned my money by simply braving the chance that I'd say "no" or, worst than that, nothing.

I thought that I'd end up giving away about five or ten dollars a week.  Much to my surprise, after months of carefully checking my wallet each week to make sure that I had money in it to give away and staying alert to all around me, I'd given away exactly one buck.

Considering my gift for the baby shower, I thought of all of this. The fact of the matter is that I don't see poverty.  Even when I did drive to work, I traveled to a swanky office park that wasn't even served by public transportation.  I go to the supermarket.  I go to the gym.  When I go downtown, it's to the children's museum and I park right across the street.   

So, for the baby shower, I recognize that I need to do something that would truly be in service of those less fortunate than myself.  And, eventually, I needed to involve the boys.  Given my odd schedule and need for travel, not to mention working a forty hour week, teaching online, and trying to spend some time with my family, it's been hard to find something that would work.  I've looked around, read all the posts on Jen's blog and contacted my church to see if they had any volunteering ideas.  I'm still in the process of finding something that would work for me, especially given my other commitments.

In the meantime, until I find something where I can put in a few hours a month, I'm going to make bears.  I can easily make a bear on a plane or in an airport.  I can make a bear while watching TV with my husband.  Since I'm a better seamstress than I am a knitter, I might start by stitching a bear or two, but I might eventually progress onto knitting as it's a little easier to transport.

Wish me luck.  Let's hope that my bears actually look like bears!  I'll let you know how it goes.  And, in the meantime,  I'm still carrying around that extra buck or two in my wallet.  Maybe, at some point, I'll find someone who needs it.

Like I Need a List

I decided to do NaBloPoMo back in October.  However, I need a Higher Purpose or Compelling Reason for embarking on anything that does not directly involve money or sleep.

As an aside, I'm sleepy today.  I couldn't get to sleep last night despite trying to bore myself to sleep by watching the entire Thursday night TV line-up three times on TIVO.  The babies woke me up today at 5:15am.  I think they wanted to go trick-or-treating or play with the dog.  I couldn't tell which one.

I decided to come up with a list of topics that I wanted to cover this month so I wouldn't be stuck writing about poo and the number of times people have asked me if the twins are "natural."  Without further ado, therefore, I bring you my great NaBloPoMo list:

1)  The great twin club debacle and why I'm not a joiner
2)  Various and sundry attempts at getting Fit and loosing Weight
3)  Dressing twins and boy clothes in general
4)  The virtual toy exchange - or "what I should get the boys for Christmas"
5)  The pros and cons of having parents within driving distance
6)  Becoming a better photographer
7)  Doing every meme or blog blast that crosses my path.  Seriously.  Meme me.
8)  My huge, wonderful week of vacation before Thanksgiving
9)  What I do when I'm doing nothing
10)  Why our dog is sad

Is there anything, in particular, that you would like to hear about?  Any questions that you might have?  And, why I'm at it, if you're doing this posting-every-day thing, what are you planning to talk about?

Makeover

My favorite episode of America's Next Top Model (ANTM) has always been the makeover.  I always enjoy guessing who's going to get the dramatically short haircut and who's going to go ballistic over it.  ANTM never fails to disappoint. 

I've never done anything as drastic as cutting off all or most of my hair, although I did get a fake tan once, so I was completely unprepared for the feeling of terror when removing my blog template this afternoon.  I've been feeling a little discontent with this space for some time and it's bumpy road from infertility blog to infertile with children blog.   Rather than remove it entirely, I impulsively decided to change it's appearance.

I'm going to be creating ordering a new header soon, but in order to do that, I think that I'm going to have to come up with a new name.  Unfortunately, I'm not very good with names.  I changed my thoughts about Ty-baby's name about ten times before he was born.  Had he come even a week earlier, he would have been Nicholas, and had G. not put his foot down, he would have been Samuel.

I've come up with a few name but always seem to discard them for one reason or another.  Suz's Blog?  Too ordinary.  Twinster?  Sounds like a radio station.  Work At Home Mom?  It's what I am; however, it lacks a certain zing.  I could do something with the Southern perspective, but I'm not sure that this space is particularly Southern.  In fact, I would like to take the opporunity to mention that 82 degrees Farenheit is completely inappropriate for October and I would like to order some colder weather, now, please.

I know it's a pretty personal thing, but any thoughts?